the Ultimate Attribution Error

This is a high-falutin' academic term for something we all know about and have participated in many times. Social Psychology is a discipline that studies group behavior. In studying persistent inter-group conflict (the Hatfields and McCoys ring a bell? How about Israelis/Palestinians? Catholics/Protestants in Ireland?), this behavior was recognized and studied.

Okay, think "in-group" and "out-group." Of course, whatever group YOU are in is always the in-group. Let's say, hypothetically, you are an African-American (in-group) walking down the street, and a member of the out-group (European-American) is walking towards you. You make brief eye contact, and she immediately turns her head away, walks quickly across the street and continues on the other side. You feel outraged, thinking, Does she think I'm a robber? What a racist!

But, same scenario, different players: Another African-American, a former classmate, does the same thing. You make brief eye contact, she immediately turns away, crosses the street and walks quicker. What is your response now? May be bewilderment. Perhaps you will call after her: "Tonya, hi, how are you?" And she might respond, "Oh Janelle, hi, talk to you later, I'm late!" as she hurries off.

In the first instance, you attributed the negative behavior of a member of the out-group to an internal condition (her personality, she's a racist). Same behavior of your in-group, no judgment on her; you pass it off to an external condition; she's late for something, nothing wrong with her personality.

When you judge a member of the out-group in this way, it tends to solidify your own feeling of being Right and the other person (and by extension, the whole group) as being Wrong.

Can you see how this applies to divorced parents? You become the in-group and your ex becomes the out-group. (Oftentimes, it is extended to include whole families as well; the in-laws become the out-group.)

So, a negative behavior exhibited by your ex (say, being late) will be attributed to an internal condition (such a rude, inconsiderate person!). But if a friend of yours is late, you will pass it off as being out of her control -- stuck in traffic -- due to an external condition. It doesn't reflect on their character as a person.

Same thing with positive behaviors. If your ex does something right, something good, you might attributed it to a negative internal reason (s/he is only volunteering at Janie's school to try and look better to the Court -- or s/he only bought Johnny that bike to "buy" his love). But if some other important person in the children's lives volunteered at their school or bought one of them a bike, you would appreciate it as an act of love towards the child.

Are you guilty of mis-judging in this way? Have you ever, in your mind, distorted a positive or negative behavior by your ex in this way?

I ask you to watch your reactions over the next week to the behaviors, positive and/or negative, of your ex. Are you suspicious of the motives of positive actions? Do negative behaviors simply confirm your judgment of their bad character? If so, have you ever excused that same behavior in yourself or friends?

Stay out of court if you can

To best ensure future and effective co-parenting after separating, you simply must try and stay out of court if at all possible. A contested hearing between parents produces a toxicity that inevitably damages the children and creates tremendous barriers to positive communication between the parents.

The nature of our legal system, the advocacy system, where each parent has a lawyer advocating for them only, can create a monster in itself. Each side is building up their “good” side and minimizing all their own faults. At the same time, each side is magnifying the faults of the other parent and minimizing the positive characteristics of the other parent. This scenario leads to battle, where each side is convinced that they are Right and the other side is Wrong. It creates a black and white myth, filtered and distilled from a complicated, interwoven tapestry of many colors and many shades of gray.

Do you think parents ever stretch the truth in their pursuit to win the court battle? You bet they do. Once you move beyond the truth, you are locked into that exaggeration, that lie. Inevitably, after a contested court hearing, each parent believes the other one lied on the witness stand. Things get said that can never be taken back. It is so much more difficult to work well with that parent in the future for the best interests of the children.

Here’s a wonderful website: http://www.uptoparents.org/

The main message is:

Parents –
If you are in conflict,
Your children are in danger.
And only you, their parents, can
Protect them from that danger.

Please visit this site. If you are a divorcing or divorced parent, working through the material on this site will be invaluable.