Self Care

Are you taking good enough care of yourself? Do you have moments for yourself?

You know, of course, that if you aren't taking good care of yourself, you aren't much good to your children. Sure, you may be able to provide structurally for them, housing, food, clothing, etc. But if you aren't taking care of yourself, emotionally, spiritually, you can't be present for them emotionally or spiritually either.

Everyone is different; 10 minutes meditation each day might be perfect for one person; taking a belly-dance class might work for another. The point is that you need something specific that is solely yours; time for you alone, with no one around for you to caretake.

So, what is it that you need? What aspect of your life have you been neglecting? Do you need help sorting through the detritus of life, to find where you can find yourself?

the Ultimate Attribution Error

This is a high-falutin' academic term for something we all know about and have participated in many times. Social Psychology is a discipline that studies group behavior. In studying persistent inter-group conflict (the Hatfields and McCoys ring a bell? How about Israelis/Palestinians? Catholics/Protestants in Ireland?), this behavior was recognized and studied.

Okay, think "in-group" and "out-group." Of course, whatever group YOU are in is always the in-group. Let's say, hypothetically, you are an African-American (in-group) walking down the street, and a member of the out-group (European-American) is walking towards you. You make brief eye contact, and she immediately turns her head away, walks quickly across the street and continues on the other side. You feel outraged, thinking, Does she think I'm a robber? What a racist!

But, same scenario, different players: Another African-American, a former classmate, does the same thing. You make brief eye contact, she immediately turns away, crosses the street and walks quicker. What is your response now? May be bewilderment. Perhaps you will call after her: "Tonya, hi, how are you?" And she might respond, "Oh Janelle, hi, talk to you later, I'm late!" as she hurries off.

In the first instance, you attributed the negative behavior of a member of the out-group to an internal condition (her personality, she's a racist). Same behavior of your in-group, no judgment on her; you pass it off to an external condition; she's late for something, nothing wrong with her personality.

When you judge a member of the out-group in this way, it tends to solidify your own feeling of being Right and the other person (and by extension, the whole group) as being Wrong.

Can you see how this applies to divorced parents? You become the in-group and your ex becomes the out-group. (Oftentimes, it is extended to include whole families as well; the in-laws become the out-group.)

So, a negative behavior exhibited by your ex (say, being late) will be attributed to an internal condition (such a rude, inconsiderate person!). But if a friend of yours is late, you will pass it off as being out of her control -- stuck in traffic -- due to an external condition. It doesn't reflect on their character as a person.

Same thing with positive behaviors. If your ex does something right, something good, you might attributed it to a negative internal reason (s/he is only volunteering at Janie's school to try and look better to the Court -- or s/he only bought Johnny that bike to "buy" his love). But if some other important person in the children's lives volunteered at their school or bought one of them a bike, you would appreciate it as an act of love towards the child.

Are you guilty of mis-judging in this way? Have you ever, in your mind, distorted a positive or negative behavior by your ex in this way?

I ask you to watch your reactions over the next week to the behaviors, positive and/or negative, of your ex. Are you suspicious of the motives of positive actions? Do negative behaviors simply confirm your judgment of their bad character? If so, have you ever excused that same behavior in yourself or friends?

Stay out of court if you can

To best ensure future and effective co-parenting after separating, you simply must try and stay out of court if at all possible. A contested hearing between parents produces a toxicity that inevitably damages the children and creates tremendous barriers to positive communication between the parents.

The nature of our legal system, the advocacy system, where each parent has a lawyer advocating for them only, can create a monster in itself. Each side is building up their “good” side and minimizing all their own faults. At the same time, each side is magnifying the faults of the other parent and minimizing the positive characteristics of the other parent. This scenario leads to battle, where each side is convinced that they are Right and the other side is Wrong. It creates a black and white myth, filtered and distilled from a complicated, interwoven tapestry of many colors and many shades of gray.

Do you think parents ever stretch the truth in their pursuit to win the court battle? You bet they do. Once you move beyond the truth, you are locked into that exaggeration, that lie. Inevitably, after a contested court hearing, each parent believes the other one lied on the witness stand. Things get said that can never be taken back. It is so much more difficult to work well with that parent in the future for the best interests of the children.

Here’s a wonderful website: http://www.uptoparents.org/

The main message is:

Parents –
If you are in conflict,
Your children are in danger.
And only you, their parents, can
Protect them from that danger.

Please visit this site. If you are a divorcing or divorced parent, working through the material on this site will be invaluable.

Trusting Yourself as a Parent

What does it mean to trust yourself? DO you trust yourself as a parent? Is there someone who knows your child better than you? Is there someone else thinking more clearly about what is best for your child?

Unfortunately, so often during and after a contentious divorce, one parent is criticized heavily by the other parent. Perhaps you didn’t see eye to eye with that parent while you were living together and co-parenting under the same roof.

Trust is a decision. Go ahead and make the decision to trust yourself and your parenting. Stop second-guessing all your decisions. When you hear that critical voice (often the other parent is the critical voice in our head), remind yourself that you trust your own parenting and you can make good decisions.

What will help you trust yourself? Slow down and take the time you need to make decisions. Slow down so you can respond appropriately to input (whether it is advice, constructive criticism, or epithets hurled at you from the other parent). The best immediate response is a neutral response: “Hmmm. You might be right. I’ll think about that.” And then think about it.

Did you have a very strong reaction to the input (you’re not providing enough good nutrition! You’re letting her watch too much TV! You’re not helping with homework enough!)? If you have a very strong emotional reaction, there’s a good chance you are unsure of yourself in that area. Is there a grain of truth to what is being said?

Perhaps you are too busy, too rushed, and planning meals and providing decent nutrition has gotten overwhelming. Who is in your support network who could help you? How is your support network? How is your self-care right now? Your own self-care is critical to being a good parent to those children. What small step can you take today to take better care of yourself? What small step can you take today to turn away from self-critical thoughts and move towards confidence in yourself?

Very important in trusting yourself as a parent is to realize that most decisions you make are not earth-shattering: dinner at home today or at McDonalds? let them continue working on that project they're enjoying or keep the bedtime routine as scheduled? It's when you ALWAYS eat at McDonalds that you might need to review your habits, or when they NEVER have a bedtime routine established. Children are amazingly resilient. Trust them, too.

When you do trust yourself, you act with confidence, which will benefit your children. The better you feel about yourself, the better you are able to love them fully and show up for them emotionally.

Jane Herman has a wonderful article about learing to trust yourself (easy to say, not always so easy to do). Her main points:

1. Accept that there is no one right answer;
2. Recognize that you will never have 100% of the information you would like to have to make your decision;
3. Try on a new framework; you don't need to HAVE all the answers, you just need to be able to FIND the answers;
4. Learn to communicate clearly;
5. Learn how to use the inputs of otherw wisely;
6. Learn to accept responsibility for your decisions;
7. Learn to trust your intuition and your body;
8. Keep your filters updated;
9. Trust the record (your own record);
10. Often it's OK to take the path of least resistance;
11. Learn how to insulate yourself from the potential negative effects of your decisions; and
12. It's your decision.

You can read the whole article at: http://www.witi.com/growth/2004/trustyourself.php

And as Dr. Spock says: "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

New Web Site

I've had my head in web-development this week. I invite you to view www.threetrusts.com. It is still a work in progress, but is a good start.

The Courage to Change the Things I Can

What can you change? Can you change your child’s other parent? Have you tried in the past? Did it work? (I didn’t think so.)

What CAN you change? Yourself? YES!

Truly, you have so little control over so much, but what matters the most in your life, and in your child’s life, is how much control you do have over yourself.

What does that mean practically? It’s good news! It means you can have a tremendous effect on your life, because you can change the way you look at what’s going on, and you can change the way you react to situations.

Example: Your ex has been e-mailing you lately, haranguing you about the amount of television you are allowing your child to watch. You have responded with anger, and the e-mail exchange has degenerated into a war of words, causing your heart to race, your stomach to flip, and your fingers respond furiously at the keyboard. You carry around your anger in the household, your child sees it, and when she mentions the other parent, you respond with hostility.

What can you change here? Not the fact that your ex e-mails you with rudeness and criticism. You can change your response. Four words that can save a day: “You might be right.” Then think about the criticism and keep your thoughts to yourself. That’s all the response necessary.

Always remember: it’s a very, very hard job, what you are doing. Parenting in an ideal world is challenging; parenting after a break-up can be overwhelming. Slow down. Stop guilting yourself. Breathe deeply. Do the best you can, and know that is enough.

Whatever your faith, creed, or religion, this prayer offers great wisdom:

Divine One,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Three Trusts

More and more children are growing up with their parents living in separate households. More and more parents have to navigate the tricky territory of co-parenting with a former spouse/partner. The legal system with power over these waters is based upon an advocacy system that pits the parents against each other, making it more difficult for peaceful co-parenting in the future if a contested courtroom battle is waged.

Where do these parents get guidance on how best to help their children emerge unscathed from the split? Oftentimes, their most trusted ally during a divorce is their attorney. Advice from attorneys usually comes from an advocacy perspective, pitting one parent against the other in the fight to win the courtroom battle.

In truth, our legal system fails children. If the parents end up in the courtroom, and the lawyers pit each parent against each other, the damage inevitably filters down to the children. Things are said that cannot be taken back. Each parent usually believes the others lied on the witness stand. Allegations are hurled against one another. The ability of the two parents to effectively co-parent in the future is seriously undermined.

Rather than a financial trust fund to leave to your children, the Three Trusts let you give them an emotional trust fund, a secure foundation for them to emerge intact from their disrupted childhood. Emotional well-being is far more important for their quality of life than anything monetary you could give them.

These acts of Trust are decisions you make. You make the decision consciously, and when the going gets rough, you remind yourself of the decision. Then you can act accordingly, and your children will benefit, both in the short-term and in the long-term.

1. Trust yourself as a parent.

When going through a divorce, parents often attack the other's parenting style and skills. It is so very easy to doubt yourself and your abilities as a parent during this period. Don’t let yourself fall into that doubting trap. When you trust yourself, you act more confidently and your child feels more secure. Trusting yourself as a parent isn’t about shutting yourself off from change and growth. Quite the opposite. When you trust yourself, ironically, you are more able to take constructive criticism and make clear decisions about what might need to change.

2. Trust that the other parent is “good enough.”

This is hard. There are problems. Things aren’t going right in that other household. But we live in a culture that makes the good the enemy of the best, and we all want the best for our kids, right? In this situation, trying to get the “best” out of the other parent often does a disservice to the children. The high, high likelihood is that the other parent IS good enough. If there is physical, sexual, emotional, substance abuse going on, obviously this trust might not apply.

However, if you suspect the other parent is emotionally abusing your child, skilled counsel is needed. Most parents are guilty of “emotional abuse” at times; we are all so flawed. Thankfully, children are resilient and can survive our failings.

Research shows that parents don’t have to be THE BEST. They just have to be good enough. And that is very likely what that other parent is, good enough; flawed, yes, often wrong, yes, but most likely good enough. When you make a decision to trust the other parent to be good enough, you have no business judging and criticizing decisions they make. You can trust there was a good enough reason for them to act the way they did. You will probably never know what that good reason was. You don’t need to know. Let it go.

3. Trust your children to grow into adulthood and sort it all out. They will. When you take the long view, and you trust their higher intelligence, you can relax a bit. They can relax a bit. When you trust your children in the long term, so many short-term issues resolve themselves with much more ease.

I look forward to hearing from you, and how you are navigating the challenges of parenting a child with parents in two different households. I especially would like to hear your success stories in this situation, especially in hindsight. How is your child doing now?