Trusting Yourself as a Parent

What does it mean to trust yourself? DO you trust yourself as a parent? Is there someone who knows your child better than you? Is there someone else thinking more clearly about what is best for your child?

Unfortunately, so often during and after a contentious divorce, one parent is criticized heavily by the other parent. Perhaps you didn’t see eye to eye with that parent while you were living together and co-parenting under the same roof.

Trust is a decision. Go ahead and make the decision to trust yourself and your parenting. Stop second-guessing all your decisions. When you hear that critical voice (often the other parent is the critical voice in our head), remind yourself that you trust your own parenting and you can make good decisions.

What will help you trust yourself? Slow down and take the time you need to make decisions. Slow down so you can respond appropriately to input (whether it is advice, constructive criticism, or epithets hurled at you from the other parent). The best immediate response is a neutral response: “Hmmm. You might be right. I’ll think about that.” And then think about it.

Did you have a very strong reaction to the input (you’re not providing enough good nutrition! You’re letting her watch too much TV! You’re not helping with homework enough!)? If you have a very strong emotional reaction, there’s a good chance you are unsure of yourself in that area. Is there a grain of truth to what is being said?

Perhaps you are too busy, too rushed, and planning meals and providing decent nutrition has gotten overwhelming. Who is in your support network who could help you? How is your support network? How is your self-care right now? Your own self-care is critical to being a good parent to those children. What small step can you take today to take better care of yourself? What small step can you take today to turn away from self-critical thoughts and move towards confidence in yourself?

Very important in trusting yourself as a parent is to realize that most decisions you make are not earth-shattering: dinner at home today or at McDonalds? let them continue working on that project they're enjoying or keep the bedtime routine as scheduled? It's when you ALWAYS eat at McDonalds that you might need to review your habits, or when they NEVER have a bedtime routine established. Children are amazingly resilient. Trust them, too.

When you do trust yourself, you act with confidence, which will benefit your children. The better you feel about yourself, the better you are able to love them fully and show up for them emotionally.

Jane Herman has a wonderful article about learing to trust yourself (easy to say, not always so easy to do). Her main points:

1. Accept that there is no one right answer;
2. Recognize that you will never have 100% of the information you would like to have to make your decision;
3. Try on a new framework; you don't need to HAVE all the answers, you just need to be able to FIND the answers;
4. Learn to communicate clearly;
5. Learn how to use the inputs of otherw wisely;
6. Learn to accept responsibility for your decisions;
7. Learn to trust your intuition and your body;
8. Keep your filters updated;
9. Trust the record (your own record);
10. Often it's OK to take the path of least resistance;
11. Learn how to insulate yourself from the potential negative effects of your decisions; and
12. It's your decision.

You can read the whole article at: http://www.witi.com/growth/2004/trustyourself.php

And as Dr. Spock says: "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."