Three Trusts

More and more children are growing up with their parents living in separate households. More and more parents have to navigate the tricky territory of co-parenting with a former spouse/partner. The legal system with power over these waters is based upon an advocacy system that pits the parents against each other, making it more difficult for peaceful co-parenting in the future if a contested courtroom battle is waged.

Where do these parents get guidance on how best to help their children emerge unscathed from the split? Oftentimes, their most trusted ally during a divorce is their attorney. Advice from attorneys usually comes from an advocacy perspective, pitting one parent against the other in the fight to win the courtroom battle.

In truth, our legal system fails children. If the parents end up in the courtroom, and the lawyers pit each parent against each other, the damage inevitably filters down to the children. Things are said that cannot be taken back. Each parent usually believes the others lied on the witness stand. Allegations are hurled against one another. The ability of the two parents to effectively co-parent in the future is seriously undermined.

Rather than a financial trust fund to leave to your children, the Three Trusts let you give them an emotional trust fund, a secure foundation for them to emerge intact from their disrupted childhood. Emotional well-being is far more important for their quality of life than anything monetary you could give them.

These acts of Trust are decisions you make. You make the decision consciously, and when the going gets rough, you remind yourself of the decision. Then you can act accordingly, and your children will benefit, both in the short-term and in the long-term.

1. Trust yourself as a parent.

When going through a divorce, parents often attack the other's parenting style and skills. It is so very easy to doubt yourself and your abilities as a parent during this period. Don’t let yourself fall into that doubting trap. When you trust yourself, you act more confidently and your child feels more secure. Trusting yourself as a parent isn’t about shutting yourself off from change and growth. Quite the opposite. When you trust yourself, ironically, you are more able to take constructive criticism and make clear decisions about what might need to change.

2. Trust that the other parent is “good enough.”

This is hard. There are problems. Things aren’t going right in that other household. But we live in a culture that makes the good the enemy of the best, and we all want the best for our kids, right? In this situation, trying to get the “best” out of the other parent often does a disservice to the children. The high, high likelihood is that the other parent IS good enough. If there is physical, sexual, emotional, substance abuse going on, obviously this trust might not apply.

However, if you suspect the other parent is emotionally abusing your child, skilled counsel is needed. Most parents are guilty of “emotional abuse” at times; we are all so flawed. Thankfully, children are resilient and can survive our failings.

Research shows that parents don’t have to be THE BEST. They just have to be good enough. And that is very likely what that other parent is, good enough; flawed, yes, often wrong, yes, but most likely good enough. When you make a decision to trust the other parent to be good enough, you have no business judging and criticizing decisions they make. You can trust there was a good enough reason for them to act the way they did. You will probably never know what that good reason was. You don’t need to know. Let it go.

3. Trust your children to grow into adulthood and sort it all out. They will. When you take the long view, and you trust their higher intelligence, you can relax a bit. They can relax a bit. When you trust your children in the long term, so many short-term issues resolve themselves with much more ease.

I look forward to hearing from you, and how you are navigating the challenges of parenting a child with parents in two different households. I especially would like to hear your success stories in this situation, especially in hindsight. How is your child doing now?